Spy for God — Laura’s Cookies

Because I want to know what the other side’s up to, I signed up to receive e-mail from the Bush campaign. What are they up to? Pretty much a carbon copy of what we’re doing — “copy” being the right word, since whenever the Kerry campaign comes up with something innovative the Bush campaign copies it. A few days ago I got an e-mail from Laura Bush, talking about Meetup-style activities and how much she enjoys them, asking me to volunteer. In a PS she mentioned that I might like her recipe for chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, now posted in her dear husband’s make-believe Blog.

A cookie recipe? I’m supposed to believe that Laura Bush actually bakes cookies? What are the odds that this woman has ever baked a cookie in her life? What’s the sinister meaning behind this PR push for cookies? At first glance this looks like a pitch to all those soccer moms out there who just might vote Republican. Picture it. The fragrant kitchen, the pans of warm cookies fresh from the oven, Mommie in her fresh white apron offering them to the freshly scrubbed kiddies. So folksy and so cute. A portrait of Family Values in action. Actually a perfect portrait of soccer mom guilt. You just can’t do enough for those kiddies. Gotta rush home from all those errands — probably, loaded with guilt, home from that job you wish the neighbors didn’t know you must have now to keep your middle class status — and try out Laura’s recipe for chocolate chip oatmeal cookies! Can’t let those 50s values slip. Gotta pretend your family’s just like the Brady Bunch. It’s also a swipe at feminist values — feminists don’t bake cookies, do they?

Now, I know cookies. I can bake a really mean cookie that could stack up against anybody’s cookies and win. I decided to deconstruct Laura’s cookie recipe and expose it for the political ploy it wants to be. I’m a cookie purist, and this is a bastard cookie. I have a copy of the original Toll House Cookbook with the original Toll House cookie recipe in it. No wonder chocolate chip cookies won the hearts of Americans everywhere! This was a truly inspired creation! That other great American cookie, the oatmeal cookie, is a completely different creation; spicy, flat, and crisp, more like breakfast, packed with raisins and maybe walnuts or pecans. Keeping in mind that Laura’s cookie is probably a PR invention, what’s the political purpose behind combining chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies into one horrific recipe? A vision of a united America? I can tell what a recipe will taste like by reading it. I’d never bake this cookie. This is not a successful political cookie baking ploy. There’s even a political conflict of interest involved. We’re being told by the Bush administration’s public health officials that America’s kiddies are suffering an epidemic of obesity — more soccer mom guilt — so why isn’t Laura pushing carrot sticks instead of a cookie recipe that contains THREE STICKS OF BUTTER AND THREE EGGS?

If by chance this is a genuine Laura Bush cookie recipe, maybe it explains that dazed look on GW’s face. I’d assumed it came from all those years of booze, but maybe his arteries are all plugged up and blood is no longer circulating in that dim brain! I can tell you what should be done with this cookie. Serve it at every Republican event and assure that Republicans will die young!