Ashcroft Sets Looniness Record

Today Attorney General John Ashcroft made two of the looniest statements that any public official has ever been guilty of. Yeah, I know that that’s saying something.

I don’t mean blaming the Clinton administration for 9/11. We knew that the shifty-eyed, guilt-wracked Puritan with the shameful secret would do that. The looniness is in the way he did it.

“The commission cited a May 10 Justice Department document setting priorities for 2001. The top priorities cited were reducing gun violence and combating drug trafficking. There was no mention of counter-terrorism…..[Ashcroft] said the May 10 memorandum was based on goals developed by the previous administration.”

In other words, almost five months after he had been selected by Bush, Ashcroft hadn’t changed anything whatsoever. He was still working for Bill Clinton!

Looniness the Second: later in his testimony Ashcroft said “Our agents were isolated by government-imposed walls [and] handcuffed by government-imposed restrictions….”

I hate to tell you, John, but you aren’t an outsider any more. You are the government! The Department of Justice is not an innovative private entrepreneur being crushed by the load of government regulation, or a hardworking family man being harassed by the IRS. The Department of Justice is a branch of government! You have to come up with some new cliches!

The man is afraid of calico cats. He’s threatened by neoclassical marble sculptures of bare-breasted women. He has assigned trained investigators to surf for porn on the internet. He spent over a hundred thousand dollars prosecuting Tommy Chong for bongs. He spent tens of thousands of dollars finding whores in New Orleans when you practically have to fight them off, and when most guys can score for less than two hundred.

Boobs and loonies usually live out their lives in obscurity and are forgotten a few years after they die, but Ashcroft has earned himself a reputation which will last as long as the rivers flow and the grass is green. Too goddamn bad we didn’t promise that to the Indians.