Not "The Onion"

AMUSEMENT PARK FALLS TO AMERICANS AFTER HARD FIGHTING

“The second unfolded just after midnight Thursday in this city, when more than 450 soldiers in armored vehicles rumbled into a neighborhood amusement park where Mr. Sadr’s militiamen, known as the Mahdi Army, were storing heavy weapons near a ferris wheel and bumper car ride.

At 12:30 a.m., soldiers were drawn into an intense firefight, killing an Iraqi who had been lobbing grenades from the area of the pirate ship ride. The man was carrying identification showing he worked for an American-trained security force, the Facilities Protection Service.”

DANES THREATEN WESTERN HEMISPHERE

“Although Narwhal is not specifically aimed at any one country in particular, there is no doubt about for whom the message is intended: that major superpower, which has always represented a threat to world peace — Denmark.”