I don’t know why but my political/personal inbound emails run 4 out of 5 right wing, and often it’s on its third or fourth generation of forwards. Half of these emails have longer headers than text. While I’ve stopped trying to respond to those where I just don’t recognize any names (which is most because what few right wing friends and family I have remaining have long since learned I “REPLY ALL” my responses and dropped me from their email lists) in yesterday emails I received a special request from mom. Mom , ever the diplomat, has so far avoided being removed from family and friends GOP_chain ebombs but is finding it harder to ignore them. So mom, knowing my penchant for not keeping my mouth closed (sure, now it’s handy . . .), forwarded me the latest and asks if I can help her formulate a response. Half hour later and I’ve whipped out a quick Fisking of a perennial favorite of Death Pools around the country; Paul Harvey. I sent it back and didn’t give it any thought until I got word today that it’s being printed up and passed around.
Our most gracious host, Dave, sent me a link months ago to guest post and told me “Whenever inspiration strikes . . .”
So, in the spirit of “It would be a shame to waste a good Fisking” I present for my opening post:
Paul Harvey, If I Were the Devil, Fisked
If I were the devil, I would gain control of the most powerful
nation in the world; I would delude their minds into thinking that they
had come from man’s effort, instead of God’s blessings;
This kind of simplistic logic suggests that man is the opposite of God, and the devil is the opposite of God, so therefore man (or in this case man’s effort) is equal to the devil. If I were the devil I’m quite sure I would appreciate this kind of logic. I’m not sure who else would though. Of course there are many that would argue the devil has already gained “control of the most powerful nation in the world” through the person of George Bush, but I doubt that’s what Paul had in mind with this statement.
I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people,
instead of the other way around;
If you were the devil what would you think of invading and occupying, at a cost of tens of thousands of innocent lives, a nation that was not a threat to the US, was not involved in recent attacks against our country and had in fact been a subsidized client state of the US only a decade ago? If I were the devil I’d love the oil and use our troops to steal it.
I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their
If I were the devil I would cut taxes (especially on those most able to afford them) until entire states bordered on bankruptcy. Then I’d cut vital public services including infrastructure, transportation, education, school nutrition programs (as the devil this would be one of my favorite cuts), police and fire protection. Can’t very well ensue social chaos without cutting education, Police and fire.
I would convince people that character is not an issue when it
comes to leadership;
Considering the inexplicable level of support for Bush I think the devil has already won this one.
I would make it legal to kill unborn babies;
If I were the devil I would make it mandatory to torture semantics.
I would make it socially acceptable to take one’s own life, and
invent machines to make it convenient;
If I were the devil I would make it socially acceptable to prolong a person’s un-treatable suffering and agony as long as possible, and invent machines to make it convenient.
I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life
of animals are valued more than human beings;
See both “mandatory to torture semantics” from above and “invading and occupying.”
I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of
His name was grounds for a lawsuit;
If I was the devil I would insist that God be taught in the schools. Outside of the fact that I, the devil, couldn’t exist without God, nothing brings out the absolute worst in people like instilling the belief that their God is the only correct God (as the devil I’m telling both sides this one, hee hee hee). Now couple this with cuts to education and law enforcement and I’d be one very happy devil.
I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the
young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them;
Not that Jesus was a sports hero, but he did do a ton to help promote wine. If I were the devil I’d take credit for tobacco though.
I would get control of the media, so that every night I could
pollute the mind of every family member with my agenda;
If I were the devil I’d want royalties from Fox.
I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation.
Does this explain why the holiest are forbidden to marry and have families? If I were the devil it might make sense, but as it is it doesn’t.
I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable. If
the family crumbles, so does the nation;
If I were the devil I’d forbid divorce. Misery loves company and oh how much company I’d have were that the case.
I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies
on canvas and movie screens, and call it art;
If I were the devil I would compel people to repress their most depraved fantasies and then, when they inevitably act out on them behind the scenes, have them repeatedly shuttled to new parishes to start over again (and again, and again), and call it rehabilitation. Or denial. The devil doesn’t know the difference anyway.
I would convince the world that people are born homosexuals, and
that their lifestyles should be accepted;
If I were the devil I’d want to convince the world to be as intolerant as possible of others who are different. If I were the devil I’d be agreeing with what Paul Harvey really thinks on this one.
I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined
by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as
If I were the devil I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves exclusive spokesmen for God’s word and refer to their agenda as Divine. Of course others may refer to it as an inquisition . . . or a Crusade.
I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of
date, and the Bible is for the naive;
If I were the devil I would persuade people that the Bible is just as relevant today as it was when it was written 2,000 years ago. Especially Leviticus. He’d be my favorite. Death for mixing your fibers, death for working on Sunday, death for talking back to your parents, tips on selling your daughters into slavery . . . what’s a devil not to like? Anyone who doesn’t believe that everything Leviticus espouses is the path to a richer, more fulfilling life is naive.
I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that
prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are
If I were the devil I would close the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer, faithfulness and obedience, to the exclusion of all other concerns, are the only things that matter. Much easier to work my magic* without free will messing things up.
* An example: “Look, over there! The devil is in that man. KILL HIM! Ohh now look over THERE! Another possessed by the devil. You must, for the sake of your saftey, kill them too.” It’s almost too easy.
Hmmm… I guess if I were the devil, I’d leave things pretty
much the way they are. Good day.
Hmmm . . . I guess if I were the devil I’d agree things are going my way, but not for the reasons Paul Harvey thinks.